1) archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man
2) modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner.

David Brower
All technology should be assumed guilty until proven innocent.

Oscar Lavant
Happiness is not somethig you experience, it's something you remember.

T. S. Eliot
Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome.

Conventions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.

B. F. Skinner
The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.

Hyman Rickover
If you are going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy. God will forgive you but the bureaucracy won't.

H. L. Mencken
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Ayn Rand
Every major horror of history was committed in the name of an altruistic motive.

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.

Lenny Bruce
In the halls of justice, the only justice is in the halls.

Mark Twain
The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy -- give one and take ten.

Oscar Wilde
Musical people always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be absolutely deaf.

Mark Twain
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

George Bernard Shaw
The secret of being miserable is to have the leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not.

Gerald Brenan
Intellectuals are people who believe that ideas are of more importance than values. That is to say, their own ideas and other people's values.

George Bernard Shaw
If you leave the smallest corner of your head vacant for a moment, other people's opinions will rush in from all quarters.

Alexander Smith
A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

Lily Tomlin
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

Clarence Darrow
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

George Bernard Shaw
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.

George Bernard Shaw
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.

Anatole France
A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance.

Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Redd Foxx
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

H. L. Menken
Self-respect: the secure feeling that not one, as yet, is suspicious.

Heinrich Heine
There are more fools in the world than there are people.

Jimmy Durante
I hate music, especially when it is played.

H. L. Menken
Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in their readiness to doubt.

Nathaniel Branden
A woman in love will do almost anything for a man, except give up the desire to improve him.

Calvin Trillin
Health food makes me sick.

Carrie Fisher
You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.

Nancy Mitford
I love children, espcially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.

Robert Frost
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Alice Kahn
For a list of al the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.

Peter F. Drucker
In all recorded history there has not been one economist who has had to worry about where the next meal would come from.

Gore Vidal
It is not enough to seucceed; others must fail.

Johnny Carson
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the beige can of leftover Span.

Ambrose Bierce
Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

Gore Vidal
Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.

Ambrose Bierce
I think I think; therefore, I think I am.

H. L. Menken
In this world fo sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice I am not a Republican.

Chauncey Depew
I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.

Peter De Vries
The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums.

Robert M. Hutchins
When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away.

Lewis Grizzard
Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.

Samuel Johnson
I hate minkind, for I think myself on of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

Jonathan Swift
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

Geroge Bernard Shaw
If a great man could make us understand him, we should hang him.

Rita Rudner
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

H. L. Menken
The objection to Puritans is not that they try to make us think as they do, but that they try to make us do as they think.

W. Somerset Maugham
It was sucha lovely day I thought it a pity to get up.

George Bernard Shaw
Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn.

Charles Baudelaire
Everything considered, work is less boring than amusing onself.

Will Rogers
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.

Richard P. Adler
All television is children's television.

George Bernard Shaw
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Fred Allen
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

James Branch Cabell
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true.

George Bernard Shaw
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

Tom Stoppard
Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.

H. L. Menken
Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Charlotte Whitton
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.

Karl Kraus
The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so that they believe they are as clever as he.

Evelyn Waugh
The prospect of Christmas appalls me.

George Jean Nathan
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency.

H. L. Mencken
There is only one honest impulse at the bottom of Puritanism, and that is the impulse to punish the man with a superior capacity for happiness.

There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.

Bertrand Russell
Comntempt for happiness is usually contempt for other people's happiness, and is an elegant disguise for hatred of the human race.

Thomas B. Macaulay
The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.